So, my default negative emotion is one of guilt and for no real reason. I mean, yes, there is usually something to feel bad about but the proportion of the action to the guilt respone is significantly skewed.
For instance: I usually do culinary adventures with my friend D on Saturdays. I did not do this weekendand the next two weekends are booked as well. We had discussed me missing this past Saturday but I had not indicated the plans on the other Saturdays and I worry that he will feel blown off or not important though he is VERY important to me. He has not said anything so there is a fair amount of assumption on my part that he is disappointed, etc.
I made different plans these next two Saturdays in order to hang with Jeff who has weekends off this month and certainly deserves a little love and time given that our schedules don't often align with much consitancy. We are going to the Fair and then to California and though I am excited, I feel guilty that I am dragging him this way and that on our time together when, perhaps, he wants nothing more than to sit and play video games or watch movies... BUT- he has not said anything so there is a fair amount of assumption on my part that he is overwhelmed or tired, etc.
Yesterday was Becky and Anthony's wedding. I showed up about 15 minutes before the posted ceremony time of 5:30 and the person bringing the flowers, food, doing the bride's makeup, and performing the ceremony (this is all the same person, btw) didn't show up for 45 minutes after my arrival and the ceremony was not underway until nearly 6:40. I was also asked in some what of a passive aggressive manner to not, "stand there and be pretty", but to get to work putting the food table together and placing flowers (when they finally arrived), etc. etc. etc. The wedding was clearly not about me but I was invited as a guest and not asked to help in any way until the day of when it was assumed that I would pitch in and sweat and get it all done. I told them well ahed of time that I would be leaving early given that it was a Sunday and I wanted to spend time with Jeff who had organized a viewing of The Walking Dead with our friends but I still felt like an ass having to slink out mid-ceremony. It didn't interrupt and I would hope that my assistance and presence at the beginning help show that I was there and supportive of them but the delays made my need to leave feel especially shitty... So I feel guilty and also resentful- the double whammy of negative emotions.
I also kind of wanted to visit my Aunt Coleen for Thanksgiving but felt guily about leaving Jeff on a holiday. Aunt Coleen originally offered to pay for my ticket and then kind of back peddled (understandably- I am a 30yr old, employed niece- not destitute or ungrateful so I should be paying my way for a visit) and asked that we split the cost. Now I am not sure I can afford it nor that I can say- I can't afford it unless you pay for the whole ticket.
Its so sad because there were so many lovely and happy moments this weekend, date night with Jeff, being flirty at the Walking Dead party, snuggling with the cat in bed together on Saturday and Sunday mornings, visiting Jeff's folks and eating homemade wontons and vanilla bean cake and laughing... And the prevailing feeling at the moment is the sickly green/gray fog of this depressive guilt!!!
Aargh! And typing "date night" reminded me that I also did not participate in a get together with Ben and Emily on Saturday. Ugh!
I even feel guilty about feeling guilty because it in some way implies that MY presence and any of these events was a key element to it ahving gone well. I am sure that my loved one would vouch for that but I am equally sure that I was not the KEY factor. I just feel shitty!
Churchill (for comparison only for the depression- not for the personal status) had his black dog and I have the sickly green fog bearing down on my back like hot, mildewy breath... and it laughs while I collapse in on myself.
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