What is the point of having a journal given that I rarely freaking use it? This is the internet equivilent of all those blank books at my house- blank save for the first two or three enthusiastic pages.
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Dreams
So I had this very vivid and unsettling dream last night...it is not often that I recall this much detail hours and hours after waking up.
The basic timeline was- post going to the movies, Jeff left and went home while I hung out with Emily.
I got home and discovered that he had moved out with most of his things and left a note (on elaborate stationary in gold pen much like when we would write letters to eachother) that he was just doing what he thought I wanted but hadn't yet acted on. (In this dream we lived in what was a cobination of a commercial retail space in the front that reminded me of an antiques store, a middle living section with a kitchenette and pink tiled bathroom that was much like a shitty extended stay motel, and the back rooms which we like storage rooms with white drywalled walls and unadorned windows.
The whole place looked like a hoarder lived there though clearly the nicest and most valuable possessions were stacked high in the retail space where everyone would see and the place got more junky and less organized as you progressed back into the space.
The note also said that I had until the next day to vacate as the lease was terminated. So I had this mad scramble to decide what was most important and to load it into Emily's Cherokee (she stayed with me the whole time but kind of standing in my perifory) and head back to Phoenix. There was no time to think where I would stay or with whom and I was completely frenzied. The whole time I was sorting through things I kept finding other people's things that I knew were precious to them and that had to be saved. There was no trace of anything left behind by Jeff. He was completely gone and only lingered in this aching part in my heart and I felt so abandoned. BUT- I did find an entire puja of Mom and John's with silver framed photographs and precious items and As I cleared them and put them in the truck more would appear. I found Chinese antiques that clearly belonged to Meme and I tried to save as many of those as possible though the urgency was slightly less. I found things of Callie's that I had to rescue. I can't recall there being anything of my own in the space at all, actually, but I was desparate to save all of these thigns of other people's even though they were in my space that I was losing and had been for who knows how long.
Occasionaly time would shift and I would be in more of an attic. It would be late into the night or even the next day for brief glimpses and the space would be on an upper floor and totally cleaned out save for mangled vertical blinds and scuffed walls and cheap apratment carpet. Sometimes as I was scavenging, more and more rooms full of stuff would appear and I would need to try and assess the value. The truck filled up quickly and needed to accomodate Emily's kids (though not specifically William and Morgan) and Callie and I. Emily was going to stay behind to allow for more room in the truck and would follow behind. She seemed confident ans supportive the whole time although she didn't help me sort through the stuff she was just there with me and offered the vehicle.
Towards the end of the dream I started to think about where I would go next and it was this set of apartments that was between here and Tucson that had been in other dreams and seemed like a luxurious place to live. Like a rehabbed version of where I lived after JR. It would be a good start over point and I would realize that I would have to throw away much of all the stuff I was bringing with me to fit it in. Sometimes I would tell myself that I would need to live closer to work and I would picture Peoria at night when it was still rural and mostly empty lots and in previous dreams I could walk it pretty quickly.
Then I would be back to anxiety and frenzy though I had more of a plan...
Perhaps there is a corbon monoxide buildup in that little room and I am suffocating while I sleep and producing brain-damaged images...
The basic timeline was- post going to the movies, Jeff left and went home while I hung out with Emily.
I got home and discovered that he had moved out with most of his things and left a note (on elaborate stationary in gold pen much like when we would write letters to eachother) that he was just doing what he thought I wanted but hadn't yet acted on. (In this dream we lived in what was a cobination of a commercial retail space in the front that reminded me of an antiques store, a middle living section with a kitchenette and pink tiled bathroom that was much like a shitty extended stay motel, and the back rooms which we like storage rooms with white drywalled walls and unadorned windows.
The whole place looked like a hoarder lived there though clearly the nicest and most valuable possessions were stacked high in the retail space where everyone would see and the place got more junky and less organized as you progressed back into the space.
The note also said that I had until the next day to vacate as the lease was terminated. So I had this mad scramble to decide what was most important and to load it into Emily's Cherokee (she stayed with me the whole time but kind of standing in my perifory) and head back to Phoenix. There was no time to think where I would stay or with whom and I was completely frenzied. The whole time I was sorting through things I kept finding other people's things that I knew were precious to them and that had to be saved. There was no trace of anything left behind by Jeff. He was completely gone and only lingered in this aching part in my heart and I felt so abandoned. BUT- I did find an entire puja of Mom and John's with silver framed photographs and precious items and As I cleared them and put them in the truck more would appear. I found Chinese antiques that clearly belonged to Meme and I tried to save as many of those as possible though the urgency was slightly less. I found things of Callie's that I had to rescue. I can't recall there being anything of my own in the space at all, actually, but I was desparate to save all of these thigns of other people's even though they were in my space that I was losing and had been for who knows how long.
Occasionaly time would shift and I would be in more of an attic. It would be late into the night or even the next day for brief glimpses and the space would be on an upper floor and totally cleaned out save for mangled vertical blinds and scuffed walls and cheap apratment carpet. Sometimes as I was scavenging, more and more rooms full of stuff would appear and I would need to try and assess the value. The truck filled up quickly and needed to accomodate Emily's kids (though not specifically William and Morgan) and Callie and I. Emily was going to stay behind to allow for more room in the truck and would follow behind. She seemed confident ans supportive the whole time although she didn't help me sort through the stuff she was just there with me and offered the vehicle.
Towards the end of the dream I started to think about where I would go next and it was this set of apartments that was between here and Tucson that had been in other dreams and seemed like a luxurious place to live. Like a rehabbed version of where I lived after JR. It would be a good start over point and I would realize that I would have to throw away much of all the stuff I was bringing with me to fit it in. Sometimes I would tell myself that I would need to live closer to work and I would picture Peoria at night when it was still rural and mostly empty lots and in previous dreams I could walk it pretty quickly.
Then I would be back to anxiety and frenzy though I had more of a plan...
Perhaps there is a corbon monoxide buildup in that little room and I am suffocating while I sleep and producing brain-damaged images...
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